What We Carrry

I have had a family member and a beloved horse die in the past couple of weeks. One death was triggering, but caused me no grief, and the other I am still crying over occasionally. Guess which one, and believe me I have solid gold reasons. Anyway, I have been in a phase of working out what those events mean to me really and how I understand my reactions. Which of course led me down a few other lanes of thought about who we are, and what we choose to carry with us.

Observation and growing older has shown me two important things. One I believe most of us get into problems due to an intense need to be static. Trauma survivors who are working on healing have a deep need for stability. Unfortunately, that also can lead to holding on over-long to patterns that are working against us. The situation becomes a Catch 22. Many of us believe there is some “end goal” in life and once we reach that point we can finally “rest.” An old chestnut, but I wish I had a dollar for every client who said things like “That’s just how I am,” That’s just my default,” or “That’s just my pattern.” Each of those types of statements tells our brains and our inner self that there is either no hope or no need to change. Reframing looks like, “That’s how I have been in the past, but I can change,” That was once my default, but I am learning new things,” and “That pattern is wearing out, I need to build something new.”

Each of us carry a universe of experiences and we make countless decisions along the way in reaction, response, and “storage.” A lot of us get stuck in the “storeroom,” turning it into a survivalist bunker. Here’s the great news, no matter how hard it is for many to believe, you have the power and control to change your thoughts. When you change your thoughts, outcomes tend to change. In my book, A Time for Me, I talk a lot about being conscious and present. Being here and not just in functioning dissociation has to be an absolute choice. Will you be uncomfortable? Will you have to allow for events and relationships you still need to grieve? Will you have to face truths you’d rather not? Yes to all of the above. The ultimate motivation - peace.

Catching a thought or a pattern can be difficult and tricky at first, but once you get into the habit, you create a healthy habit and your brain will build synapses to support your efforts. First step in the process is learning what safety means to you and working to have more of it. Safety and working to create healthier connections with others are the foundation of healing change. Healing looks different for everyone, but you are totally worth it, I promise.