Shedding

As we move through our lives many of us come to see there are cycles we can’t help but be affected by such as deaths, births, and anniversaries. In the above photo, the object in the middle is a shedding tool. Our shedding tools as trauma survivors comes in the form of self-care, creating as much safety as possible, and self-compassion. I could regale you will endless exercises and we can all talk until the figurative cows come home, but until you feel some measure of safety it will be more challenging to let the shedding process happen.

A simple example is one most of us have heard of or experienced, going home to visit family. I have heard lots of people talk about how they are “eleven years old again,” or how they feel their hard fought efforts to separate themselves from negative situations and people fall by the wayside when family contact is made. Some, in an effort to solidify safety and peace, cut family members off completely. A lot of cultures, and certainly western culture, frown of divesting yourself from family members that cause genuine harm saying you “have to forgive family.”

All the myths of “sticking by family no matter what” has roots in (I’m sorry fellas) patriarchal systems of ownership. We’re not talking about loving families who rise to the occasion when a family member falters. Enduring endless abuse, which can come is a wide variety of forms, is expected and encouraged in many families, as is a skewed sense of “loyalty.” That version of loyalty sets others up as people who are “owned.” Stepping out of line, telling the truth, escaping, are seen not only as disloyal but worthy of more punishment. The radical truth is, it’s OK to shed anything or anyone who is causing you harm.

If you have spent a good portion of your life hypervigilant to others moods you will tend to create responses to keep you “safe” such as always saying yes to everything and not allowing the real you to develop. Once healing begins, there is often a feeling of being anchorless and dissociated from yourself. It is difficult to find your self-worth because you never got to work those muscles so to speak.

Blessedly, you can also have an opposite experience. I had a half-sister who passed recently. I am not going to soften what an unbelievably vile person she was. I have close to zero contact with family members and that has been a saving grace for me for over 40 years. When she died I was triggered by remembering the horrible things she did. However, the event led to connecting with a nephew I haven’t seen or spoken to in over 50 years. I have been both delighted to connect with someone who also, despite horrific trauma, got away and started to heal. Here’s where my “shedding” comes into play. My brain and being are intensely working through what is safe in this new relationship, which has so far been very positive. It also scares the hell out of me.

When the warmer weather rolls around, all the creatures with fur and hair work to divest themselves of the extra layers and protection. Important in the process is you can do it alone, but you don’t need to. I help my horses to let go of the itchy dirt and hair. I’m sure they don’t care how they look, as evidenced by being mud-puppies during the rainy season, but I’m sure grooming feels like a relief. You can use the tools you are learning and focus on healthy connections to get you through the shedding times.