Darn, it's Still Me

I have been thinking more and more about “regulation.” What does that really mean? For a while I have thought of regulation as having a global consistency. In fact, I have noticed I have that concept even about myself. Cue loud buzzer. The rabbit pictured above seems calm. At least calm enough for me to casually snap a photo. Naturally, I see a lot of rabbits at the farm. I am pretty sure I have been seeing the same family grow and also lose members to the road for a few years. I have also noticed the rabbits in the field behave differently than the ones that live near the farm house. Farm house rabbits are growing calmer and less concerned about my coming and going. They will scamper off, but not with the intensity of the field rabbits. The experience of safety calms, especially when there is sufficient evidence that safety is likely to continue.

I have been thinking of regulation as being “calmed down,” as a singular state of being. Trauma survivors in general tend to struggle to bring their energy back to the middle. I am realizing now that regulation is on a spectrum. One of the horses at the farm led me to a better understanding regarding how I manage my internal world in the past few weeks. Part of my job on the farm is moving the horses in and out of the pasture. Most of the task is simple and often pleasant. Just like people, horses have differing personalities and life experiences. This particular horse tends to be activated by people’s anxiety and has had the occasional bad reaction to being moved through doors/gates. I struggled for some time trying to figure out why some days and not others, because he is a sweetie pie the rest of the time.

I had the good fortune to learn about a live webinar addressing reactive horses with my favorite trainer Warwick Shiller. We even got to ask our questions, so I explained the situation. The take-away (again) was it was me, not the horse. Not that the horse doesn’t have some door/gate phobias, but the times I had issues was when I was not reasonably regulated, even when I thought I was. My job is to help him feel safe and that means centering myself first. Humans have used horses as tools for so long we forget they are sentient creatures with with own needs. How many of us love the experience of “You! Get over here and do as I say.” Creating safety for others (people, horses, dogs, etc.) can be more like, “I see you and hear you. I have a need and can you help me with that?” Acknowledgement, centered ask, open and willing to pivot if need be in responce to the answer. So, now I take more care with myself before the ask.

Back to what I was saying earlier, I often tend to think I am “fine” much of the time without really doing any sort of assessment. Naturally, we may not be able to access our inner state every waking moment, but we can train ourselves to check in more often. Best part, we can make mistakes and we don’t have to be perfect. In fact, the more we embrace what doesn’t work without harshness and judgement the more we achieve genuine learning.